Author: Lin
Rating: PG
Disclaimer:
Summary: When someone is gone there's so much you wish you'd said.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Christine for a great beta, and for
unbelievably still having this on your harddrive after it was wiped from
mine. I owe you big.
*~*~*~*~*~*
"One by one
*~*~*~*~*~*
Now that you're not here anymore I often find myself wondering what
you're thinking, wherever you are.
When I think of you I don't picture you on the bridge, or in your ready
room, or in my bed. I see you in a huge field of corn. You walk around
aimlessly, your hands brushing the tips of the stalks. I don't think of
how sad it is that you no longer have anything to aim for - I think how
much you deserve a rest.
The last planet we landed on was beautiful. Flat, luscious and green
with vegetation... jungles and vibrant flowers. I picked one for you to
put in your hair. It was a shimmering purple-pink that I had never seen
on a flower before and there were droplets of water nestled among the
petals from the steamy environment.
They reminded me of tears.
Your field doesn't always have the beautiful weather it had today.
Sometimes it rains, and on those days I wonder if those are the days
that you want us to cry.
We mourned you more than you would have expected.
Were you ever aware, Kathryn, just how much a simple acknowledging nod
from you meant to a crewman?
True, I was closer to the crew in terms of stopping for a chat or
sharing a joke, but you were an icon. Nobody engendered the faith and
trust that you did merely through the brief touches that the crew were
permitted.
You were always there, even after you were gone.
Did you burn out? Your candle always shone brighter than the others,
did that cause it to die out faster?
Can people be as good as you and still endure?
I don't know the answers to the questions I ask. I know that if you
were here you wouldn't know them either, but how I'd love to discuss
them with you... Ironic - the thoughts I most wish I could discuss with
you are those which would never have come into being were you still here
with me.
One of the things I wish I'd told you is how much you made me think.
How much you shaped my views and stimulated my mind... But I didn't
realise it myself until after you were gone.
I choose to believe that you know.
"What would Kathryn do?"
How many times a day do I ask myself that question?
How many stars are there in the universe? How many other fish are there
in the sea?
None.
Sometimes I just want to tell you that you were special. Did you know
that you were so, so special Kathryn?
You made a sensation. Heads turned, gazes followed you across rooms.
Your voice carried through crowds, and to crowds. And it carried us
through the light years.
We sailed home on your voice, and you cut us a path through the war
zones.
And you were too young to go.
That flower looked beautiful in your hair. When I picked it I didn't
know you would wear it into eternity. I thought you would be there warm
and safe when I returned, alive and waiting to welcome back your
wandering lambs. I didn't expect to beam back from the planet's surface
and find that you'd slipped away.
You know that we will always remember you, don't you?
My thinking doesn't lead to comprehension. All I can do is raise my
glass and smile because I knew you.
All things end the way they were destined to be. I will see you again
because our destiny is to be together.
Your face is always at the window of my consciousness. I will never say
goodbye.
And I'll never cry for anyone.
No one but you.
Finis.
Only the good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you..."
~ Queen, No One But You (Only The Good Die Young)